The Very Secret Diaries of the USS Enterprise Crew
by Carynna
Summary: Kirk obviously fancies Chekov, but Sulu will kill him if he tries anything." Ever wondered what the crew is up to behind closed pod bay doors? Consider yourself warned. Slash, parody, and utter insanity.
1. Kirk

_Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Star Trek. You, dear reader, will probably be glad of this fact after reading this fic. _

_A/N: In a fit of inspiration after twice watching the glorious Star Trek movie, I decided I had nothing better to do than pay homage to the genius Cassandra Clare and her "Very Secret Diaries" series._

_If you're not a Lord of the Rings fan and haven't heard of or read the VSD series, I shall forewarn you that this is a work of extreme parody. Completely illogical pairings and situations will ensue. (I am certain Spock would not approve.)_

_If you are a Lord of the Rings fan and haven't heard of the VSD series, how _dare _you call yourself a fan. Get thee to a search site and read them now. Anyways, I hope you enjoy. _

**The Very Secret Diaries of the U.S.S. Enterprise: Jim Kirk**

**Day 1: **

Iowa so boring. Farm animals beginning to look quite attractive.

**Day 2: **

Got beaten up today. Found solace in being pretty even with tampons stuck up nose.

In other news, recruited to Starfleet. Captain Pike has very loud whistle….wonder what else he can do with mouth?

**Day 1100: **

Has been three years. Not officer.

**Day 1102: **

Look _so_ good in tighty-whities. Go me!

Still not officer.

**Day 1103: **

V. angry. Is not my fault beat test by shagging green girl. Spock just jealous of my prettiness. Nope, not officer.

**Later: **

Good thing McCoy madly attracted to me. Otherwise would be left at Academy with no one to cuddle.

On the other hand, puffy hands quite awful. Wish McCoy would inject me with something other than hypos.

**Day 1104: **

Occurred to me today that Pavel is v. pretty. Almost as pretty as me. Am finding self strangely attracted to little Russian boy. But Sulu will kill me if I try anything.

**Day 1105: **

Wonder why Captain Pike looks so scared. Sure some alone time with big muscular tattooed man not so bad. Am rather jealous, really.

Also, am first officer now. Wonder if Pavel would like me if am captain?

**Later: **

Had nice sweaty midair cuddle with Sulu. Secret plan to shoot holes in parachute v. effective.

Chekov looked quite excited upon our return in beaming device. Probably because Sulu was on top of me.

**Day 1107: **

Spock thinks he is _soooo_ attractive with pointy ears and such. Ha! Ha! He does not realize he has bowl for hair.

**Later: **

Found out Spock and Uhura shagging. Currently looking for bowl and scissors.

**Day 1108: **

Brrr….so cold. Not sure chill v. good for complexion.

Met wrinkly old Spock. Eew, hope I will not turn out looking so much like Leonard Nimoy. (Feel better though—good thing did not find scissors in time.) Also chased by creepy monsters jealous of my prettiness.

In other news, not captain.

**Later: **

Met Scotty. Accent quite a turn-on.

Damn. Spock looks so smug. Seems Uhura really quite good with tongue.

**Day 1109: **

Young Spock beat me up, as was definitely emotionally compromised by my stunning beauty.

Am worried no longer the prettiest. Suspicious this was all devious plan concocted by old Spock. Stupid jealous Vulcans.

Oh well. Now captain.

**Day 1111: **

Bored. Had Scotty beam me up several times—once in bathroom, twice in cockpit. Is v. good being captain.

Also, "rescued" lucky Captain Pike from tied-up-by-big-tattooed-men situation. Still jealous.

**Later: **

Sad to see manly Nero go, but still won battle while maintaining title of prettiest. Go me!

In fit of delusion and self-congratulations, decided to try something with Chekov. Found out Sulu really excellent at fencing. Collapsible sword v. pointy.

**Even later: **

Have heard from reliable source that am considered "prize stallion" by McCoy.

More importantly, Spock believes stallions must be "broken." Think this could be start of a beautiful relationship….pointy ears and eyebrows really quite a turn-on.

**(A/N: If you made it this far, you KNOW that you want to click on the "review" button and make me a happy woman! Love constructive criticism; flames will be used to roast Twilight-obsessed fangirls. Reviews mean more diaries from other crewmembers!**

**Also, I'm aware that the events of the movie did not happen over quite so many days, but I didn't really want to keep writing "Later.") **


	2. Uhura

_Disclaimer: I still don't own Star Trek. (And I still don't own a bootleg copy, as apparently the black market for DVDs has been shut down in Taiwan. Grr. )_

_Sorry it's been so long since I posted! Contrary to popular belief, I'm not really that perverted, so it can be hard to compose all of the naughtiness. _

_Also, I've been swarmed by both rampant plot bunnies and mosquitoes, plus I'm currently on vacation with very limited internet connection. Anyways, enough with the excuses. Let's see what Uhura has to say. _

**The Very Secret Diaries: Uhura**

**Day 1:**

Got hit on by pretty Iowa farmboy today. Feel that I have met him somewhere before.

**Day 1014: **

Found out Kirk and I wear matching underwear. Remember now. Saw him at the Riverside Panty Pantry annual sale and fought over pair of shapeless briefs. Stupid prick.

**Day 1017:**

Almost did not get assigned to Enterprise. Fortunately, used feminine wiles to convince Spock otherwise. Feel quite proud. Really am v. good with tongue. Go me!

**Later:**

Thought would be prettiest on ship for certain. Then saw Chekov and Kirk. Grrr.

Also, am concerned that Spock's hair may be shinier than mine.

**Day 1018:**

Cuddling with Spock not v. fun. Huh. Evidently not good enough at tongue to impress the poncy Vulcan.

**Day 1019:**

Chekov really v. cute. Kirk obviously fancies him, but Sulu will kill him if he tries anything.

**Day 1021:**

What good is being prettiest female on ship if all men only interested in each other?

Trademark ponytail flip: useless. Fluttering of lush eyelashes: futile. Hiking up of already tiny skirt: nothing.

At this rate, may have to resort to bend and snap.

**Day 1022:**

Spock moping, more so than usual. Will try to comfort him by telling him mother probably happier dead than having to wear box on chest. (So tacky.)

**Later:**

No use.

**Day 1024:**

Suspect Spock has been trying on my dresses, as they are suddenly all baggy and shapeless. Ha! He does not have the legs for a mini. Besides, red is so not his color.

Will confront him tomorrow. Maybe cross-dressing is Vulcan way of dealing with grief.

**Day 1026: **

Spock says is acting captain's privilege to dress however he chooses. Told him to get his own dress.

Also, mutinous Kirk got kicked off ship today. Think will raid his quarters for those briefs.

**Later:**

Underwear is mine. Maybe Spock will like me better now?

**Day 1027: **

Have sneaking suspicion that excess moping due more to absence of Kirk than to death of mother, as Spock keeps muttering things in sleep about strong teeth, apples, and that stallions must be broken.

Am v. upset.

**Day 1028:**

Kirk back. Thinks he is _so _clever to have provoked Spock into anger. Ha! Does not know that Spock has been desperately looking for any excuse to touch him.

In other news, am no longer captain's girlfriend, as new captain is underwear twin and former captain lusting after current one.

**Later:**

Bored. Think will find Scotty and beam him up.

**Even later:**

Even Scotty not interested, as is too busy stroking walls of Enterprise and whispering sweet nothings.

Tried to explain that ship is inanimate object, then realized that that never stopped Kirk. Hear that the carrots in Iowa are just the right shape.

**Day 1029:**

Think will beam onto Narada—will probably be more appreciated there.

**Day 1030:**

Tested theory of under-appreciation today. Took off all clothes in the middle of bridge and did sexy dance, complete with high kicks.

No response, except for Chekov continuing boy genius rambling about hiding behind Titan and Sulu making goo-goo eyes back at him.

Hate Enterprise.

**Later:**

Never mind. Apparently Nurse Chapel enjoyed dance.

**Day 1031:**

Kirk and Spock transported onto Narada. Sure they will enjoy wrestling big sweaty men together. Crew seems to think of it as heroic suicide rescue mission. Psh—it is clearly first date.

Trying hard not to be bitter. Oh well. Never really liked bowl cut anyways.

**Day 1033:**

Captain Pike rescued, Earth saved, everyone promoted, blah blah blah.

Anyways, have managed to change station assignment to sickbay with doctor's orders for regular checkups with nurse.

Maybe Enterprise not so bad after all.

**A/N: Go ahead – run away. Say it was horrible. Spread the word – tell a friend. Tell them the tale. Get a pic – do a blog! And while you're at it, it'd be nice if you would leave a review! =] **

**Mucho amor for my beta, not_jackie, who has allowed her poor innocent mind to be polluted by these diaries, all for the sake of crack!fic. **

**P.S. Speaking of crack!fic, if you enjoy these diaries, there is a 96.35% chance that you will also enjoy my oneshot, Eavesdropping. Hurray for shameless self-promotion! **

**And if all goes well, McCoy should be the next one up, but there's no guarantee about that. **


	3. McCoy

**The Very Secret Diaries: McCoy**

**Day 1**

Meanie lady made me sit down on ship. Space so evil, so gross—wait, who is that?!

**Later**

Feel much better now. Have met v. pretty Cadet Kirk, who has golden locks and shiny, shiny teeth. Did not know was possible for Iowans to be so attractive. Blast! Upset from divorce must be making me delusional.

**Day 1,027**

Mmm, love watching Kirk eat apples. Argh. Note to self: Am doctor, not creeper with fruit fetish.

**Day 1,028**

Assigned to Enterprise! Knew that "physical exam" with Starfleet Assignment Commissioner would pay off someday.

**Later**

Was going to leave Kirk behind, but sad face too tragically pretty to resist. Dammit.

Oh well, at least got to stick pointy objects into him. Then got to carry him…he has such v. soft skin…Stop it, McCoy!

**Day 1,030**

Half of Starfleet destroyed. Am now Chief Medical Officer, go me!

**Day 1,032**

Kirk obviously into Chekov. Am doctor, not fortune teller, but fairly sure Sulu will kill him if he tries anything.

**Day 1,033**

Seem to be only one on crew resisting Ensign Jailbait's charms. Note to self: Am doctor, not pedophile.

**Later**

Have caved. Adorableness too strong to be ignored, but fear of collapsible sword preventing any stupid actions. Repeat to self: Am doctor, not suicidal idiot.

**Day 1,035**

V. manly tattooed man has kidnapped Captain Pike. Some guys just have all the luck. Also, Kirk and Sulu both gone on dangerous mission. Should I make a move now?

**Later**

Was about to go talk to Chekov when he started shrieking in Russian accent and running around ship. Do not know what he was saying but was v. cute.

**Day 1,036**

Vulcan destroyed, blah blah blah. More importantly, Kirk is back and covered in sexy man-sweat. Mmmm.

Aughh!! What is wrong with me?

**Day 1,037**

Now have hundreds of Vulcans in sickbay. Do not know what to do with them…am hoping that pointy ears are good for something or another. Hope am not becoming pervy Vulcan fancier like Kirk.

**Day 1,039**

Spock kicked Kirk off ship, pretending that he was staging mutiny or something. Ha! Spock just trying to resist urge to jump Kirk. (Can empathize, as am facing similar situation.)

**Day 1,040**

Kirk probably dead. So sad. Think we may have had chance at happiness together.

**Day 1,041**

Kirk alive! Hoped to have nice reunion snuggle, but instead he and Spock rolled around the bridge together. Kirk v. bloody at the end of the whole thing. Ah well, everyone gets kicks out of different things.

In other news, Kirk captain.

**Day 1,044**

Nero defeated. Still have not gotten over divorce or fact that I had not enough screen time in movie. Maybe will go see if Scotty can really "give it all she's got." Wait, Scotty is a woman?

Am v. confused.

**Day 1,045**

Kirk keeps making pointed remarks about "stallions" and "ponies." No idea why, as am doctor, not noble horse lord of Rohan. Was it something I said?

**Day 1,046**

Rather like all this attention from the captain. Is v. flattering to be receiving private invitation to captain's quarters.

**Later**

Kirk so demanding. Am doctor, not contortionist.

V. sore.

_~TBC~_

_Sorry this took me so long to update! I've been writing a lot of McCoy recently, so I needed a bit of a break. Also, I'm super jet-lagged…_

_I'm thinking eithe__**R**__ Sulu or Ch__**E**__ko__**V **__next. Spock's __**I**__s __**E**__xtremely difficult to __**W**__rite, as the diaries are quite devoid of logic. _

_P.S. Got the subliminal message? _


	4. Nero

**A/N: Sorry it's been so long since I updated! I've been in Virginia running a student leadership conference for Operation Smile, a nonprofit that provides free reconstructive facial surgery for third world children who are born with cleft lips and palates. I'm part of the Student Programs staff so I basically had no time to even think about Star Trek while I was there =[**

**(P.S. If any of you high school/college students out there are looking to get into community service, message me for more info or check out the website!) **

**Anyways, long excuse later…we're going to take a detour and find out what's going on in the Narada. The Enterprise folks need a little bit more time to fill out their diary entries!**

**  
The Very Secret Diaries Nero**

**Day 100000: **

Aargh. Drat—knew should not have made fun of Spock's ears. Now planet is destroyed. Do so hate messy breakups.

**Day 1: **

Went back in time. Also, impaled captain of shiny ship today. What was ship called? Celsius? Fahrenheit? Cannot remember.

**Day 722:**

Bored. Is v. slow work waiting around for pointy-eared former boyfriend to show up. Was relationship really that bad?

**Day 2483:**

Again, bored. Think I will go find crewmember to impale with my v. long spear.

**Day 4589:**

Am beginning to regret getting tramp stamp. Hopefully crew will not notice hot pink butterfly tattoo on butt.

**Later**

Has the crew been looking at my butt?

**Day 8234:**

V. boring on Narada. More than a century in the future and stupid mining ship still does not even have cable. Also, destroyed lots of Starfleet ships today. Still no sign of ex-boyfriend.

**Day 9125**

Young Spock quite pretty. Almost inclined to forget whole planet-destroying business and rekindle relationship.

Then remember that old Spock never returned my phone calls, even after I sent him roses and chocolate. Stupid poncy Vulcan.

**Later**

True, has been 25 years though. Maybe should let go. (And perhaps should have sent something other than chocolate.)

**Day 9130:**

Found out why crew has been snickering behind my back. Was not my sexy butt—was tattoo on back of head that says "Kick me; I have green fetish." Aaaarggggh!!!

**Later**

Ha! Vulcan destroyed. Who's laughing now?

**Day 9133:**

Kept channels on after hailing Enterprise.

So far have watched navigator and helmsman play footsie under console for five hours straight.

Human called Kirk definitely interested in cute little Russian boy, but is obvious that hot Asian man will kill him if he tries anything. V. amusing. Far better than cable.

**Day 9136: **

Also, watched skinny lady take off dress and wiggle around bridge. Eh. Not interested.

**Day 9137:**

Have continued watching. Spock definitely into Kirk. In fit of jealousy, have decided to destroy Earth.

**Day 9140:**

Have set up couch next to torture chamber. Captain Pike really v. good therapist, telling me to let go of emotional baggage and also that my butterfly tattoo is v. flattering.

Am considering being merciful. Free therapy sessions v. hard to come by nowadays.

**Later**

Never mind. After put truth slug into Pike, discovered that he thinks my butterfly is super tacky.

Earth must die.

**Day 9141:**

Am I the only one who giggles when I give the order to "insert the mighty drill into the orifice and release planet-blowing matter?" Heehee.

Maybe opinion does not count, as am pervy Vulcan fancier.

**Day 9143:**

Killed by Enterprise. Hate Enterprise.

**~tbc~**

**Okay, so I put a really really lame science joke in the beginning. Sorry. Leave a review anyways? **


	5. Pike

**Hey guys!! So wery wery sorry that I have not updated recently!! And I should still be apologizing, because this chapter was NOT written by me! That's right, it was written by the very talented and lovely **not jackie**, who is not only my beta but also my bestest friend ever! =] Hope you enjoy her VSD! **

**The Very Secret Diaries of Captain Christopher Pike**

**Day 1**

Spent day with cadets. Need drink. NOW. Why are there so few bars in hell Nowhere, Iowa?  
**Day 2**  
Found son of Gorgeous George. Good looks run in family. Boy is pretty enough to become v. good captain, even with tampons in nose. Think he's over eighteen, too.

He was impressed by v. loud whistle, after all... told roommate practice would pay off!

**Day 3**

Proved guilt=best motivator. Impressively dramatic turn interrupted son of gorgeous George driving up on motorbike. Cannot complain.

**Day 4**

Complaint: son of gorgeous George making eyes at crazy doctor sitting next to him. V. upset.

Besides, crazy doctor is too adamant about being a doctor. Beginning to suspect sordid past. Crazy doctor is recently divorced? Love new recruits already.

**Day 1100**  
Son of gorgeous George beat unbeatable test. V. impressed by strategy.

Inquiry for "cheating", though suspect is witch-hunt by pretty pointy-eared boy to eliminate other pretty competition. That, or Vulcans have strange courting rituals.  
**Day 1102**  
Helmsman is obviously v. distracted by Russian whiz kid, what's his face.

Luckily, Spock has beauty and brains.

Stupid parking break. Considered replacing helmsman, but think something could come of him sitting next to Russian whiz kid. Yay matchmaking!  
**Later**  
Son of gorgeous George stowed away on ship! V. happy at this.

**Day 1105**

Son of gorgeous George has read my thesis. Could die of happiness. Probably will.

Going on blind date with large, bald, tattooed man. Not usually my type. Somewhat nervous. Questionable fashion sense, but muscles are quite alluring. Left Spock in charge with son of gorgeous George as first officer. Love playing matchmaker. Note: Spock v. cute when perplexed.

**Day 1108**

Will never go on blind date again. Turns out, his first officer wanted him to have rebound. First officer wants muscular man for himself. Muscular man spent entire dinner angrily crying about ex-boyfriend. Apparently his ex was Spock? Am v. confused.

Also: muscular man carries large spear. Perhaps compensating? Stupid first officer can have him. Have it on good authority that prisoners of war are often overwhelmed by colleagues hoping to aid in recovery. Particularly medical personnel...

**Day 1109**

Apparently sarcastic remarks at dinner mistaken for sincere. Am tied up in torture chamber. Am quite bothered by sight of muscular man lying on couch crying about ex. Still confused. V. upset. Date was supposed to turn out much differently.

**Day 1111**

Good news: sparkly butterfly tramp stamp. Bad news: is muscular tattoo-man's.

Good news: Kirk and Spock becoming v. good team. If you know what I mean.

Bad news: muscular man disapproves of matchmaking attempts.

**Day 1112**

Forced to swallowed truth slug. V. disastrous. Revealed truth about spring break. And tacky tramp stamp. Muscular man needed to hear it. Suggested to first officer good tattoo removal place. V. proud. Can be matchmaker even under duress!

In other news, gave away code for Earth shields. Oh well. Not v. important compared to matchmaking skills.

**Day 1116**

En route to earth. Muscular man tried to give me butterfly tramp stamp. V. angry. Am much more of an angle-wings person.

**Day 1120**

Saved by son of gorgeous George. Relieved to again see prettiness. Son of gorgeous George and Spock seem to be improving relationship. V. happy.

On less joyous note, can no longer feel below waist. Dammit. Perhaps crazy doctor can fix. Or at least try. Vigorously.

**On behalf of not_jackie: Reviews, por favor!! **

**Carynna says: Either Sulu or Chekov will be next! Love you all!! **


	6. Sulu

**A/N: I am super sorry it's been so very very long since I updated…I started college in September and I've been way busier than I imagined I would be. Fanfics were sadly put on hold to make mental room and energy for chemistry and physics. (Also, I was quite busy fighting off my horrendously psychotic roommate. How can I describe her? Well, for those of you who watch SNL, think of Kristin Wiig's character Penelope—hilarious on TV, insanity-inducing in real life.) **

**All right, complaints and excuses aside, let's celebrate November 17****th****, aka STAR TREK DVD RELEASE DAY (my Blu-ray gift set is coming in the mail today!) with some more VSD!!**

**The Very Secret Diaries Sulu**

**Day 1**

Am v. hungry. Tried to get replicator to make me burger but only spat out small clump of dried leaves instead. Not sure what to do with them.

**Later**

Found scrap of paper and match. Mmm. But am now extra hungry.

**Even later**

Pike made fun of me today. V. embarrassing, as was hoping to impress cute Russian sitting next to me with my piloting skills.

Note to self: avoid faulty replicator before important piloting situations.

But Chekov told me is okay, "eweryone makes mistakes." Think I am in love.

**Day 2**

Enterprise attacked by ship with tentacles. (So tacky!) Pavel v. scared and told me all about fear of dying a virgin in space. We will see about that.

**Day 4**

Am v. upset. Saw chief engineer Olsen making a move at Chekov. Feeling threatened, as he is ruggedly handsome. Also, has sexy accent, just like Pavel. V. concerned.

Hopefully Pavel can see that Olsen is pervy Russian-fancier.

Currently plotting.

**Later**

More plotting. Aha! I have it.

Just before jump, told Olsen would be v. manly to release parachute v. late.

**Even later**

Plan worked quite well. Threat eliminated—go me! Also showed off fencing skills and scored a bit of a tumble with Kirk. Must be my lucky day.

**Day 6**

Have noticed Kirk glancing at navigator station more often than necessary. Will try to control rage until get to the bottom of situation.

**Day 7**

Snuck around Kirk's quarters and found two books: "Russian Love Poems from the Volga" and "Dealing With Your Curly Hair Fetish."

I will kill him if he tries anything. Am polishing fencing sabers as we speak.

**Day 8**

Pavel still v. sad about Spock's mom. Will go comfort him. (Am bringing along poetry book, as am quite sure my Russian pronunciation is much better than Kirk's.)

**Day 13**

Removal of book did not seem to help. Saw Kirk running after Chekov on the track.

Think will have to have a little talk with Spock.

**Later**

Have quietly informed Vulcan of mutinous behavior of a certain James Tiberius Kirk.

Plot worked v. well, once again.

Kirk marooned on freezing cold planet. Ha! Serves him right for trying to come between gold-wearing console officers. There is good reason for us sitting together…so easy to play footsie.

**Day 15**

Dammit. Kirk back, and is now captain. Praying that Chekov will not be impressed.

However, seems that Spock has an eye on Kirk. Hmm…maybe will not have to be so worried about Iowan pretty boy.

**Day 17**

Yes! Chekov likes me best!

**Day 20**

In spare time, have investigated strange leaves in botany lab and have cultivated own patch of plants. Think I will invite Chekov over sometime. We could go get a burger…

**A/N: I'd like you all to know that I'm updating this chapter in my sociology lecture…risking a low participation grade in order to bring the world some perverted Star Trek humor. Now isn't that worth a review?**


	7. Chekov

**Wow…it's been a year and month since I last updated this story…this poor diary entry has been languishing in the depths of my computer for a while. Well, here's its chance to finally see the light of day. Hope it's worth the wait! **

**Also, I own nothing. Sadly. **

**

* * *

**

The Wery Secret Diaries: Chekov

**Day 1**

Met Lieutenant Uhura. Quite put out by cascading ponytail of long shiny hair…worried may not be the prettiest.

**Later**

Cosmo says natural curls are in and straightened hair is out. Yay!

**Day 2**

Wonder why Captain Pike always "forgets" my name. Surely has nothing to do with embarrassment from last semester's cadet-officer meeting. Is not his fault I am so adorable, really. Or that am underage.

**Day 3**

Cadet Kirk arrived on ship today. Again worried am not the prettiest. At least am child genius ensign. Small consolation. Prettiness much more important than brains. Obviously.

**Day 4**

Seem to be developing spot on perky Russian nose. Damn space rot. Damn Kirk.

**Later:**

Feel better after cuddle with Sulu. Perhaps no longer the prettiest, but at least still cutest.

Sulu has promised to show me collapsible sword trick. Not sure what that is but so excited!

**Day 4**

Uhura keeps pinching my cheeks and saying "aaaaaw." Ignores Kirk completely.

Ha! Proof I am cutest! Too bad have little to no interest in xenolinguist, no matter how cunning said linguist may be. Only have eyes for helmsman. (And science officer. And doctor. And stowaway Kirk.) Oh dear.

Hope Sulu does not read this as he might take off his shirt in anger and start dueling with everyone on board. On the other hand, he might take off his shirt.

**Later:**

More proof am cutest. Have already received four pieces of fan mail since doing ship wide broadcast. Also, Sulu sent flowers.

**Day 5 **

Kirk definitely interested, but Sulu will kill him if he tries anything.

Highly suspicious that Kirk has been going through my things. Half of bubble bath bottle gone and definitely caught a whiff of strawberry on him.

**Day 6**

Romulans have created black hole at center of Vulcan. More importantly: why does my head look so square? Is w. serious problem.

**Day 7**

I ken do zat! I ken do zat! (Is what I told Sulu last night. Think I may have accidentally mentioned it while running through hallway…)

**Later:**

W. sad lost Spock's mommy but so glad saved Kirk and Sulu. No cuddles if they are gone.

Am a bit jealous right now of Kirk—have never had mid-air cuddle with Sulu before.

**Day 8**

Sulu told me cuddle was no fun at all. Suspect he is lying to make me feel better. Am feeling a pout coming on.

**Day 9 **

Kirk banished from ship. Should have told Spock there are better ways to deal with animalistic urges than to maroon source on ice planet. Thought Vulcans were supposed to be logical.

On the other hand, am prettiest again! Yes!

**Day 10**

Cuddling.

**Day 11**

Kirk back. Sad to lose title of prettiest but happy to make Sulu jealous again. Still cutest, though. Always.

Spock and Kirk had hissy catfight today in bridge. Very grabby—zey rolled all over my console. Suspect was less a fight and more of an excuse to tussle about in public place. Such exhibitionists, tut tut.

**Later**

Have found strange greenish-white substance on my console. Not sure what it is. Have asked McCoy and Sulu.

**Even later**

Oh.

**Day 12**

Scotty keeps asking if I want him to "beam me up." Not sure what he means, but quite certain Sulu would not approve.

**Day 13**

Have spent days thinking of plan to impress both Kirk and Sulu. Aha. I have it. Will choreograph interpretive dance complete with high kicks.

**Day 14**

Decided to test drive dance with Mr. Spock, who is still very sad and moping. Dance did not seem to cheer him up. Was told that my time would be better served figuring out how to defeat Nero.

**Later**

Who is Nero?

**Later**

Nero w. hot Romulan. Not sure why he should be defeated but Spock said would impress Kirk and Sulu if I succeeded.

**Day 15**

Playing hide and seek behind Titan so much easier than choreographing dance. Hamstrings agree. And entire bridge w. impressed.

Doctor even asked age; unfortunately, seems too much a law-abiding citizen to overlook jailbait status. W. disappointed.

**Day 16**

Am boy genius. Saved planet Earth. Go me!

**Day 17**

So much fan mail. Half of it seems to be from Sulu, though.

**Day 18**

Wonderful, wonderful day. Sulu finally showed me collapsible sword trick. Am w. impressed.

**(A/N: Did you giggle a little bit? Let me know! Reviews make my world go round. And who knows, maybe I'll actually remember to update again before another year passes…There are still a few characters' diaries hanging out in my computer...)**


End file.
